Have you ever wondered what it is that makes the average, or not so average, paying public, visit model railway exhibitions? There are various reasons why they stump up the cash, and these are totally dependent upon their social and domestic status and also if they happen to be a complete anorak!

1) The Harassed Husband.

This one is easily recognised. He usually has two kids (aged about 3-5 years old) and the wife in tow. The kids have seen the magic word "RAILWAY" on adverts and have immediately cried "THOMAS" in unison. Hubby has been volunteered to take the kiddies to the show while she who shall be obeyed does some shopping. But, one of a number of things can happen. First, it's raining and she doesn't fancy lugging the shopping about in the rain. Secondly, the car is parked so far away that there is no way that the wife will carry all the goodies by herself, so the whole family take to the shops and he has to do all the carrying. (Not only is this bad planning, it has the added side effect of upsetting everyone. The kids are impatient, the husband is throwing a wobbler at all the money that she has just spent, and the wife is upset because he doesn't like her choice in Arran sweaters). Anyway, the upshot of all this is that the kids shout "Thomas" at everything that has a funnel on it, and that also includes flowerpot fitted 03's. Daddy knows better than that and chides the kids for being wrong. Mummy doesn't know any better and she gets a telling off for thinking that the big guy behind the layout is The Fat Controller!! (A good friend of mine called John Hughes). The harassed hubby also gets more racked off when one of his brats mauls a piece of fencing or similar from the front of a layout. He gets the hard stare treatment from the operators and has to tactfully retreat from the show before the kids decide that they have become bored with Thomas and want an ice cream. In order to get their own way will cause absolute mayhem until Daddy complies with their request.

2) The Big Kid

Similar to the harassed hubby in terms of family, except that the kids are about 8-10 years old and are far more interested in Sony Playstations and Grange Hill than Thomas and his friends. Dad has dragged the kids to the show on the pretence of taking them out, while she does the shopping. Really, he is an ex-trainspotter, who is trying to rekindle the days when he had the clockwork 0-4-0 on the bedroom floor. He is desperately trying to interest one or more of his offspring in the finer arts of model railways on the grounds that the "trainset" he builds for the kids will actually be an excuse for him to fulfil his childhood dream of having a model of Clapham Junction. When he gets home, he is very certain that she will not agree that the DJH kit he has just bought is a good present for the kids, so he also purchases a ratty second hand loco and a circle of track from the second hand stall, just to show he's not just thinking of himself. The only problem with the Big Kid is that his own kids haven't the slightest interest in models of North Eastern branch lines that were never built (even though an Act of Parliament was passed). It is very likely that to get out of the show the kids will maul a piece of fencing, so that father has to retreat in shame and buy them an ice cream. Sometimes the Big Kid can be seen reappearing at the show the next day, minus the brats, whom he has shipped off to the mother-in-law for a day. This man is now fair game for the traders and it is very likely that he will depart the show carrying more than enough track to model two platforms of Clapham Junction, two more DJH kits, four Comet Coaches, fifteen Parkside wagon kits, a Ratio kit for a provender shed, a handful of Langley models vacuum formed buildings, three Gaugemaster controllers, twelve SPDT centre off switches, five point motors, lots of VISA slips and a very, very big problem in how best to explain this little lot to the missus.

3) The Know It All

This is the difficult one. Know It All's come in all shapes and ages. They vary from the 11-year-old kid that insists that your class 90 should be renumbered, to the old gaffer that insists that there is a rivet missing from the cab bulkhead of your 8F. KIA's can actually be any of the other categories as well, but they only reveal their true identities by making some totally informed comment about your prized exhibit being totally wrong. Even though they have never seen the real thing, but they were told by one of their workmates whose auntie had seen it whilst on holiday, maybe. The Know It All always has his or her own way of doing things and will probably know how to build a child proof fence and just to prove a point, will maul your fence to show you how easy it is to be broken by the kiddies.

4) The Anorak

Yes, you've all seen this one. This is the easiest of all to spot, but not always the easiest one to get rid of. He will usually be sporting a blue quilted nylon anorak, or if he's trendy, a Helly Hansen ski anorak or Nike shellsuit, NHS thick framed glasses with the elastoplast holding them together, a notebook and the latest edition of "Rail" magazine clutched tightly to their bosom. This character will usually announce his presence with some reference to one of the model locomotives and how it's full size counterpart hauled the 12.10 Cardiff - Newcastle, three and a half weeks ago, and how he just happened to be travelling on that train. For the next three hours, he will tell you how and where he has seen every one of your model fleet before. This will include references to his notebook as to the exact detail of the sighting. If you are very unlucky and manage to get a first class Anorak, it is very possible that he will show you his Motive Power Pocket Book and how he has seen every Class 47 except one. This is when you get your own back. It just so happens that one of your models is that very loco, and it is placed upon the tracks and displayed to the punter. If you have got the supreme Anorak, he will underline the number in his spotting book. The only way in which you can escape from an Anorak is to have one of the other operators call you over for some sensible reason, like there's a plague of rats about to eat through the power cables. It is very possible that to get your attention back, the Anorak will maul the same piece of fencing that you have just fixed since yesterday. The worst type of Anorak is one that appears every day of the entire show; unfortunately, this is the most common form of the species.

5) The Great Western Man

Very simple to describe if you are a modern image layout operator. The GWR type will spot a "box" on the layout and will immediately run in the opposite direction. If, for some reason, he has to observe the layout, (i.e. his kids want to watch it), he will be stood there in a cold sweat, shielding his eyes from the brightly coloured stock, and desperately wishing that he was enduring some-thing less stressful to his nervous system, like a Welsh Mountain 009 layout.

6) The Enthusiast

This is the best one of the lot. He has some idea of how much time and effort goes in to constructing the layout and will not even think about mauling that piece of fence. He (she) will lean quietly on the barriers and patiently watch the trains go by. The odd appreciative smile will appear when he notices something to his liking, especially if its something that he has been trying to model for the last three months. He will ask sensible questions, he will agree with everything you say, because you are an EXHIBITOR, and he will say "I like your layout, thank you very much for the information" when he departs. The world needs more people like this.

The above doesn't categorise everybody, but it sure covers most of them!